Feelings of Contentment.....

Today is a dreary cold day in northern Minnesota, feels like rain but I think it may be too cold to rain (i know not really...). Days like this are "feeling" days, they bring out feelers! I have been busy with the kids this summer, how fast it has come and almost gone. Hard to believe its already Mid-July. Alot of changes around here these past couple weeks. Had to let our babysitter go and put the boys back in daycare. It just wasnt working out that well, lets hope we made the right decision this time. We didnt know until we tried it so overall it wasnt a bad choice, a lesson. I forget what it was like to have teenagers around. Let me tell ya, they litterally eat a person out of house and home. Another "event" that has taken place is my deciding to move on without Andy. I have made a choice that I need more and cant expect him to want to change his way to accomodate me and my crazy life! It has been a tough decision but I know I cant settle again. I need to know that I will be happy in my relationship. As you all know there isnt a perfect relationship, we are all human and all think that our way is the only way!!! LOL, or at least some of us do haha.... I guess I just am not feeling that readyness to move forward with him and one would believe that after this long I should be feeling it. What was I feeling? Not sure if it was a sense of security having a man around or if I was really in Love. I do know that I loved Andy, perhaps still do some. I just think that it was more of a friendship than a partnership? We arent always going to feel "in love" the reality of life is what comes after the initial "in love" stage of any relationship. The weirdest thing was that after Andy left the first time I wasnt really shocked. I knew it was coming, just wasnt sure that when i saw him last would really be the very last time. How weird to spend almost every day with someone and then nothing... Over that period of 6 months while he was gone from my life I did think of him on occasion, perhaps I was a little lonesome, but learned that I didnt "need" anyone to make me happy. I became very accustomed to "my" time. I actually enjoyed being by myself. Not sure if I was scared to meet anyone else or if I was just getting to know myself a little better. I was able to grow in my walk with the Lord, I was very comfortable with my relationship with God. Why is it that I cant find a partner that is able to Love like Jesus? Perhaps because Jesus is the only one.... I pray that I find someone I can be best friends with, someone like my one very good friend. Not sure what it is about him but I dont feel like I have to hold anything back, I can talk about absolutely anything and everything!!! No guilt, no judging, trust and thats just it. I dont know that I trusted Andy with all my heart. I dont know if it was him leaving so sudden that brought that mistrust on or if I just have a hard time giving all of myself to someone, fully trusting after my marriage failed. I think I just feel like I need to protect myself and my children. Who knows, maybe I feel too much!!!! (is there such a thing???) I just Pray that God lead me to the one he has chose for me, just for me! I am patient in this and am in no hurry to go looking for him. He will come.
A couple weeks ago we had a tragedy within our family. Miley our shih tzu lost her litter of pupps. There were 3 total, 2 girls and 1 boy. They were quite a shock as they came out looking like PUGS!!!! OLIVER!!!!!! We had to make a couple trips to the vet but there were no survivors. All of them were born breech, all getting stuck at the shoulders on the way out. So sad for Miley. Not sure if I feel it for her because I am a mother or if it was me humanizing my animals again. After all that, I have decided there will be no more surprises and dogs will be getting fixed. I need to sell some rainbows so I can do it sooner than later. Anyone want to watch a demo????? send me a comment or an email.... I got the hook up if anyone wants to see it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well. I was able to get over to erin and Jakes last night to see that little man. He sure is a handsome little fella. Sweet boy with wild man hair do!!!! WELL, time to get these boys ready for bed, bath time, story time and best of all, bedtime!!!! I am actually excited to go to bed tonight. Just one of those "tired" days, blame it on the weather!!!
I am looking forward to Friday night, should be fun. Something new anyways!!! stay tuned!!!!!!!

Here I am today....

Just wanted to take a break from this busy life to let you in on a little bit of me lately. This past month has been a huge trial and I feel that God is testing me every inch of the way. I know He has plans to prosper me, plans for my life and most importantly plans for me to share with others His love. I have constant reminders of how truely blessed I am to have such a loving Father. I am blessed everyday with my life, children, health, job, family, friends, home and most of all His Love. I wish there were a way to express how much I love him with words, but I cant. I cant begin to imagine life without His guidance. I would be lost, always wondering, never getting where I need to be because the most important part of my life would be missing. I had an incredible experience this past Sunday morning at church. I was invited by a very special friend to visit her church with her family. I have only once ever felt such a great connection with the Lord as I did at the Assemblies of God church this past weekend. The music was amazing, so alive. Everyone had their hands up reaching to Him- praising Him! So amazing! Thank you Lord for sending your son to save me.
As for the other things that have been going on for the past month where to begin. Well, a little over a month ago Andy (the guy I dated after my husband left me) (who i hadnt talked to at all in over 6 months) called out of the blue and wanted to talk. He wanted to get some things off his chest and possibly "try again". For the most part it has been good, too good actually. Just makes me wonder when this is going to come to a crash and eventually get back to where it was before. Well, it didnt take too long I guess. I am just not sure what to do. I know that if it is going to be 75% good it may be worth it, but if it is going to continue with its bi-polar cycle I just dont know that this is for me. I need more, I need consistency, communication and reassurance. I feel I deserve every last oz of it! I am not sure if its me- my house- my children- my mess or if it is just his way of dealing with his own life- being laid off, etc. I just dont understand how someone can go from talking about marriage to all of a sudden backing away and just not following through with commitments- hello return phone call at least!!! Apparently I dont understand, Im just a woman with a lot of baggage. I just dont know where to go from here. Maybe I am looking too far into it, maybe I should just let the dust settle before getting too worked up about it. Well for now I am going to head to bed, first pray about all this and then sleep. I cant wait for a weekend to myself. Its been a while now. Finally nothing going on.... Im sure I have spoken too soon!

new purse...

just wanted to share some pics of my new purse I made tonight :) Let me know what you think, I think its adorable!!!

Missing my Tucker....

Today I am feeling sad, lonesome and worried about Tucker. I made a decision, hopefully the right one, to give him a new family. Tucker is one of my shih Tzu's. It is just getting to be alot having 4 dogs, cats, kids, etc. I gave him a bath and a hair cut last night, with some extra loves, hugs and kisses. I did not tell him that he was leaving, they just came for him today. He is going to live with a family in Grand Rapids out by Sugar Lake. I really believe that he will enjoy country living and they have 2 little girls that I am sure he will love to antagonize. Oh and they have a cat- they are his favorite!!! Here is a picture of my little guy....

I miss you Tuck- you always be my little Luvs :) XOXO mom

somedays I just get that feeling.....

why are some days just so full of feelings, doubt, certainty.....uncertainty.... today is just one of those days - hormones, all part of being a woman, certainly not the easiest part of being a woman... what would life be like without them, cold, boring, uneventful, blah... so I guess its not always the worst part. I just couldnt imagine a day that I did not feel.
Today I am pondering the thought of being alone. Do I stay alone and be safe, untouched like He wants, or do I take steps into vulnerability? Take that chance, trust my gut or dare trust my heart that has been battered, bruised and broken. Still so many fresh feelings. That is what I have to pray about, where does one begin. Over the past 8 years alot has happened, alot has changed, some for the better and some perhaps maybe not the better. I have been single, married, a mother, divorced, a Christian (born again), a friend, a sister, a daughter, a counselor, a client, and just about everything in between. I am very proud of who I am, I am unbelieveable, there is nobody "just like me". I sometimes like how I look, not really much today- I feel a little bloated and the phrase my dear loving son said to me "Mom, your chubby" is still haunting me as I do know that already!!! Thank you Jaxon, for loving me unconditionally.
Over the past 6 months I have been alone, just me and my boys. At first I hated it, but slowly got used to it and lately actually love it. It has been very rare that I get lonely. I guess I would need to slow down to stop and identify what it means to be lonely, that feeling. However I just dont think I am. I am very self sufficient and very independent. I am a risk taker and usually proud to wear my "can-do" attitude. Do I want to do it all forever, pry not, but for now its ok- we make it by. I just feel that I need to take some time to learn more about me and what makes me Happy. Actually sit down and make a list, a bucket list, and a list of what qualities I am looking for in a man, what I want to be when I grow up, etc. Over the past year I have been working on my relationship with God, learning more about Him, more importantly Listening to Him... or at least trying to. At times it is quite tough and I am not perfect so I have plenty to ask forgiveness for, I am not afraid to admit that I AM HUMAN. I learned so much from a dear friend of mine, one whome I have only met once in person, through the death of her dear son Joel Johnathan Wagner. I owe alot of thanks to her and her family for guiding me to My Savior, My God and Father. Oh how I long to meet that Little Joel in heaven. So thankful that God was able to shine His glorifying light through the Wagners into my life. So Blessed, So thankful, So full of Love. I am a true believer in it that if you cant love yourself, how will you ever love someone else...

a new walk....

Today is just another day, alarm clock goes off at 530 am, hit snooze about 6-7 times, finally roll out of bed, late as usual, let the dogs out, take a shower, scramble to find some clothes in my not so user friendly mound of unfolded clean clothes, let the dogs in, feed em, get dressed, get Prestons neb ready, jaxon dressed, cereal, put some make up on, blow dry and curl this mop of hair that needs to be loved, get preston up, dressed and out the door...
work...
came home to a mess, going to leave it for today. Tomorrow is anew.