somedays I just get that feeling.....

why are some days just so full of feelings, doubt, certainty.....uncertainty.... today is just one of those days - hormones, all part of being a woman, certainly not the easiest part of being a woman... what would life be like without them, cold, boring, uneventful, blah... so I guess its not always the worst part. I just couldnt imagine a day that I did not feel.
Today I am pondering the thought of being alone. Do I stay alone and be safe, untouched like He wants, or do I take steps into vulnerability? Take that chance, trust my gut or dare trust my heart that has been battered, bruised and broken. Still so many fresh feelings. That is what I have to pray about, where does one begin. Over the past 8 years alot has happened, alot has changed, some for the better and some perhaps maybe not the better. I have been single, married, a mother, divorced, a Christian (born again), a friend, a sister, a daughter, a counselor, a client, and just about everything in between. I am very proud of who I am, I am unbelieveable, there is nobody "just like me". I sometimes like how I look, not really much today- I feel a little bloated and the phrase my dear loving son said to me "Mom, your chubby" is still haunting me as I do know that already!!! Thank you Jaxon, for loving me unconditionally.
Over the past 6 months I have been alone, just me and my boys. At first I hated it, but slowly got used to it and lately actually love it. It has been very rare that I get lonely. I guess I would need to slow down to stop and identify what it means to be lonely, that feeling. However I just dont think I am. I am very self sufficient and very independent. I am a risk taker and usually proud to wear my "can-do" attitude. Do I want to do it all forever, pry not, but for now its ok- we make it by. I just feel that I need to take some time to learn more about me and what makes me Happy. Actually sit down and make a list, a bucket list, and a list of what qualities I am looking for in a man, what I want to be when I grow up, etc. Over the past year I have been working on my relationship with God, learning more about Him, more importantly Listening to Him... or at least trying to. At times it is quite tough and I am not perfect so I have plenty to ask forgiveness for, I am not afraid to admit that I AM HUMAN. I learned so much from a dear friend of mine, one whome I have only met once in person, through the death of her dear son Joel Johnathan Wagner. I owe alot of thanks to her and her family for guiding me to My Savior, My God and Father. Oh how I long to meet that Little Joel in heaven. So thankful that God was able to shine His glorifying light through the Wagners into my life. So Blessed, So thankful, So full of Love. I am a true believer in it that if you cant love yourself, how will you ever love someone else...